For years I have been convinced that I have to be perfect, or at least percieved as much, in order to hold on to friends. As I grew into the knowledge that this is a lie, I credited wounds from middle and high school that taught me to feel this way. Others' secrets and rejection make me feel unvalued, inimportant, and worthless...Like no one would want to keep me as a friend outside of some obligation.
Over the years in college, I have made significant friendship with people whom I love and am secure in the fact that love me in return. And yet, sometimes my identity still goes back to feeling valued by friendships. Even certain ones, perhaps, that hold a lot of weight in my worth. Maybe that is my problem.
I am learning in graduate school as I study theories of counseling and see how these theorists have identified human nature. Its wild that my pattern is actually a commone one with a definition: congruence is actually a resistance mechanism, or ego defense, that people innately have to use that makes them feel as if they have to be perfect in order to be whole.
Because I believe that Jesus is perfect already and has given me His perfect record, I no longer am expected by anyone who truly matters, to be perfect. To have it all...
Reality is that people do not want perfection. They hate those people. I hate those people. Why do I think I can be one?
People dont know what they want. And although I can try to do what I think people want me to, I will never please everyone. Especially myself. I just cant manipulate people into loving me.
Even when I think that I must have the right personality, sense of humor, servant heart, musical ability, perseverant drive, confidence, spiritual discipline, domestic superiotiry, all the fruits of the spirit, total dependablility, artistic and creativity, independence, intellegence, concious lifestyle, submissive attitude, flexibility, strength of an ox-emotionally, and all other things that I percieve to be valuable by others. others...who am I kidding? Men. Thats really who I aim to please if I am being honest, and still none of them want to pursue these things that I have built for myself.
Myself.
All of these things are aiming to satisfy my self.
So interesting that the Lord is showing me that I have to be giving Him all the rooms of my heart for Him to refine. And He will provide all other things. All things.
I cant build anything for myself. I have nothing to offer without His grace. My prayer is that He grow my identity in Him more. Just love Him more.
When my heart is strong- Like when my core is strong, therefore my limbs are strong- the areas for fruit in my life will be strong and productive.
Refining is tough.
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