For years I have been convinced that I have to be perfect, or at least percieved as much, in order to hold on to friends. As I grew into the knowledge that this is a lie, I credited wounds from middle and high school that taught me to feel this way. Others' secrets and rejection make me feel unvalued, inimportant, and worthless...Like no one would want to keep me as a friend outside of some obligation.

Over the years in college, I have made significant friendship with people whom I love and am secure in the fact that love me in return. And yet, sometimes my identity still goes back to feeling valued by friendships. Even certain ones, perhaps, that hold a lot of weight in my worth. Maybe that is my problem.

I am learning in graduate school as I study theories of counseling and see how these theorists have identified human nature. Its wild that my pattern is actually a commone one with a definition: congruence is actually a resistance mechanism, or ego defense, that people innately have to use that makes them feel as if they have to be perfect in order to be whole.

Because I believe that Jesus is perfect already and has given me His perfect record, I no longer am expected by anyone who truly matters, to be perfect. To have it all...

Reality is that people do not want perfection. They hate those people. I hate those people. Why do I think I can be one?

People dont know what they want. And although I can try to do what I think people want me to, I will never please everyone. Especially myself. I just cant manipulate people into loving me.

Even when I think that I must have the right personality, sense of humor, servant heart, musical ability, perseverant drive, confidence, spiritual discipline, domestic superiotiry, all the fruits of the spirit, total dependablility, artistic and creativity, independence, intellegence, concious lifestyle, submissive attitude, flexibility, strength of an ox-emotionally, and all other things that I percieve to be valuable by others. others...who am I kidding? Men. Thats really who I aim to please if I am being honest, and still none of them want to pursue these things that I have built for myself.
Myself.
All of these things are aiming to satisfy my self.
So interesting that the Lord is showing me that I have to be giving Him all the rooms of my heart for Him to refine. And He will provide all other things. All things.

I cant build anything for myself. I have nothing to offer without His grace. My prayer is that He grow my identity in Him more. Just love Him more.

When my heart is strong- Like when my core is strong, therefore my limbs are strong- the areas for fruit in my life will be strong and productive.

Refining is tough.

Excited Life

OMG this is hilarious. Why do I relate to it so well?? Hahahaha




P.S. Kristen Bell is my only known Doppleganger....espeically when she is a brunette from that one show she was on.

  

what now

I have been struggling this week, obviously. Thinking about purpose, direction, hope, and the gospel.

And the Lord is working. He is disciplining me right now. I am not done. I still don't get it. And it is hard. But it will be sweet someday. Hopefully soon. But the alas, the Lord knows how much my heart can take.
 And it is up to Him how to refine it like gold.



When I am believing lies, what I can bank on are these:

1. Jesus is real.
2. He loves me enough to pay for my sin and give me His righteousness. I will never know why. Its a mystery.
3. He has used His position as Son and Heir to God to justify ME before the Father, Creator of the world, and Just King.
4. This Father King has thrown out my sin debt and miraculously I am no longer liable for this death that I owe.
5. I have the clean record of the perfect Son, and am also an Heiress of the King.
WHAT?!?!?!?!?!!!
6. As He gloriously reminds me of these things, I am being sanctified. Which means that I am being made more like Jesus.
7. I will never get this on my own, and will have to be reminded of these things every day for peace.
8. I am being disciplined in the Father's love... to love the things He loves and hate the things He hates- not to withhold good things from me, but to protect my heart from evil things.
9. Growth is hard.
10. I can never be snatched from His hands.

This is the gospel.

"When heart is breaking, Heaven stands. When my world is shaking, I'll never leave your hands..."

im sorry...what?

I guess I just use to think I was going somewhere. No destination set. But sure I was going. Anywhere really. But definitely headed somewhere. Now I just don't know. I can't figure out what I am waiting for.... I tell myself that it's Jesus, but I am acting like it is something or someone else that I am waiting on. I am trying to work for something. But my heart knows that I could never work enough. That is what the gospel tells me. Thats why I trust in Jesus. ok. got it. I have got to figure out what this is, though, and how to give it up. But I'm just feeling so directionless in this moment. Why dont I love grad school like I thought I would? Should I be in seminary? Should I revisit that...and all that correspondance form 1 and a half years ago? What am I thinking? Even though I know in my heart what my purpose is. How stupid is this... I have never felt more like Paul in Romans 7 than now. Where am I going and how the hell am I going to get there if Im as clueless as now. What am I hoping in? What is my Jesus plus? Is this my hormones? Is this a phase? How do I follow no one to nowhere. I am way too annoyed by all this...