what a freakin day...

The Lord has so totally blessed me this week, like in every way. And yet, I am still surprised.

Literally though, He has given me a new family to love and serve and learn from as I babysit their 7 amazing ginger kids, He has given me counsel in how to deal with a tough situation with my job, He has provided work hours for me, He has given me trials that cause me to depend on Him more and trust that He will grow me in love and humility, He has shown me sin and softened my heart to be repentant, and He has pointed out love to me.

This week I have been a nanny. Full on. whaaaat?? My mom was like, dang at those kids. But they were precious. I have cleaned the slimiest of diapers, rocked the whiniest of babies, and fed many kid mouths. And its be great, but so exhausting. I have gotten to see how truly dependent kids are and how really they just show us how dependent we are on the Lord. Crazy.

Today I had all the Von Trapp family...from 730 until 530, I have a 4 yr old, 2 yr old, and twin 1 yr olds. But at 330, add in the 6, 7, and 9 yr olds. From 530 to 8, I go to my normal house and have my 3 boys. As I lay on the living room floor with them, I contemplate what the parents would say if they came home and I was passed right out holding the 8 month old while the 4 and 2 yr old boys wrestled in the hallway. So I just found some old coffee and threw in the microwave. Maybe thats why I am possibly up so late...

So of course at 10am, when I have 3 kids crawling on me while watching the Jungle Book for the 3rd time in 2 days, fit hit the shan with one of my really good friends. Drama, drama, mind games, drama, bitterness, anger,  drama, rock throwing, drama, passive aggression, ignorance, drama...over some very large text messages. Great. I love confrontation, its my favorite. But I guess there is no growth without it. Its just I am not sure if the friend will even hear what I have to say, be it constructive or not. Which after seeking counsel, I think I can be very constructive. I am not guiltless. But reality is, if we love people then we are honest with them. And so that will have to happen. Unfortunately, reason is not on everyone's side here. Good thing this happened today to teach me how juggle, teach me, teach me how to juggle...all my stinkin emotions.

Because...I also had my interview for graduate school for community counseling today. Woohoo! Such an exciting time of promises. I got to share with the 4 professors in the program how much I love people, how I handle personal crises, a book that has meant a great deal to me, why Im passionate about counseling, how I have experienced success, how I would anticipate a session to go, how my involvement and volunteerism has lead me to counseling. which is all to say that people have needs and when we are able to think outside of ourselves, we not only experience more joy and fulfillment in life, but actually see the big world around us and can better relate to people in order to truly serve them. It truly was a lovely interview. I got to share my experiences in counseling, how I found the program, and tidbits of my life as an undergrad that shaped me so much. I even asked them what their favorite classes are to teach, useful information right?

Then about 1.5 hours later, I receive this via email....

So congratulations to me. I am ecstatic and thankful. 

I guess it was a good day after all. 

And I still get to deal with some consequences tomorrow...or the next day. maybe

Mr. Fun Pants

We had such a good day, my mother, sister and I.

A little campus tour, a little ricebox, a little trowbridges ice cream, a little macfarland park, a little train bridge, a little fellowship at a little dinner at Ms Scottie's, and a whole stinkin lot of grace to love on and comfort us.

We shared so many stories of Dad together and truly, just had an amazing day. It was beautiful.

A Little Princess

This is the saddest and sweetest scene in this film. Its certainly one of my favorites.

http://youtu.be/QWJxEal0ngc

The Hidden Smile of God

"He ordains then, who and where and when, the saints are to suffer. " -John Piper

My suffering isnt great. Especially when standing next to the suffering of others, from sickness to abuse, to neglect and abandonment, to persecution, to poverty...I know this.

But ten years ago today, my life was changed and I wholly doubt that I will ever cease being affected by the tragedy that rocked our world, my mother and sister and I, on that stupid and beautiful day in that stupid and unforeseen accident...

I still feel pain that knocks my breath right out of me. That causes me to become lightheaded and I have to lie down. This makes me feel weak and underestimate the power of grief and how it can rock a person.

This also makes me long more than ever to rest in the arms of my Savior as my emotions roll over me and sobs ebb like ocean waves.

I just miss my dad. He is gone. And I long to share with him how I am growing, and how I have graduated from college, and how much I learned form my sorority, and how I went to beach project 3 times, and my trip to Australia, and how much I love my new roommate, and how much I adore my church and how they impact me daily with their unwavering community and love for me. I want to sit in his lap as the 6 year old girl that I am and hear him tell me that I can be anything that I want to be because he loves me and will always support me. For him to bring me roses to anything I participate  in should I not perform to my standards (math team, always). To hear him ask me to sing again.

 Should this make me angry? Disappointed? If the big picture were about me, maybe. But its not.

But I cant get past my ultimate gratefulness that the Lord gave my dad a new heart when he was alive and that He took him to heaven.  I am so glad. Joyous. Our Savior had pursued him before he was born and gave him life, life abundantly in Him and I know that they are enjoying each other in Heaven now. I know dad didnt have an easy life, but he loved his life. The Holy Spirit was about him and everyone knew it. People were drawn into him, his stories, his laugh, his love. The Lord truly made him beautiful. And God gave him to me as a dad. How blessed am I!

The truth that gives me peace is that God governs the world and all that happens in it with purpose and design for the good of those who love Him.

My purpose in life is to love Jesus more. And this crappy situation has made me do that. Every time I want to feel angry, I do, but only for a short time before the Holy Spirit comforts me. I am having a hard time right now, and am uncomfortable posting these thoughts (maybe ill have the guts to leave this post up) but maybe someone can be encouraged that life is hard and we will hurt, and that that is ok. But much greater than us is a God who is unconditionally loving and who ordains all things.

Its hard to imagine how the Lord would ordain how He would have His people to suffer. What is the point of this suffering? It is all for His glory. Oh that He would be glorified all the more in our suffering.

Consider it all joy, my brethren, when  you encounter various trials, knowing that the testing of your faith produces endurance. And let endurance have her perfect work, so that you may be perfect and complete, lacking in nothing. James 1:2-4

truth- William Cowper, 1779

God moves in a mysterious way,
His wonders to perform;
He plants his footsteps in the sea,
And rides upon the storm.

Deep in unfathomable mines
Of never failing skill,
He treasures up his bright designs,
And works his sovereign will.

Ye fearful saints, fresh courage take,
The clouds ye so much dread
are big with mercy, and shall break
In blessings on your head.

Judge not the Lord by feeble sense,
But trust him for his grace;
Behind a frowning providence,
He hides a smiling face.

His purposes will ripen fast,
Unfolding every hour;
The bud may have a bitter taste,
But sweet will be the flower.

Blind unbelief is sure to err,
And scan his work in vain;
God is his own interpreter,
And he will make it plain.


How marvelous that these lines (He treasures up His bright designs, behind a frowning providence, His purposes will ripen fast, And scan HIs work in vain0 points to a deep and hope-filled conviction that God has "designs" and "purposes" in His painful "providence" and puzzling "work."

These are my confessions...

I love shoes. And these are amazing.

My BFF, Heather, let me wear hers for Easter and now I am totally hooked. And all this is well and good, but...I cant find them ANYWHERE!!

I just want all of these....

You are Jealous for Your Glory

I struggle with Jealousy.

The Lord's Jealousy is just. He deserves to be praised above all things. He created all things, after all.

My sin comes in when I am unjustly jealous for my own glory.

I so often think that I should be glorified for my works,my relationships- man do I get territorial with those, my friendliness, my looks, my things, my creativity, my experience, my degree, my "love" for others, all things of myself. I mean, I have been praised for these things in the past, why shouldnt I expect it? Because its all unworthy of praise!

The Lord's holy and withstanding attributes are the only thing substantial enough for honest glory. He deserves it. He is Just, Trustworthy, Firm, Secure, Loving, Merciful, Faithful, Kind, Generous, Omnipotent, Forknowing,...He is truly astounding. He deserves all the praise he is jealous for.

Thank you, my Father God, for loving me when I feel like I should be treated like you. You forgive my sin when I am looking right past you.

I love you Lord.

May you be praised with my Life.