My suffering isnt great. Especially when standing next to the suffering of others, from sickness to abuse, to neglect and abandonment, to persecution, to poverty...I know this.
But ten years ago today, my life was changed and I wholly doubt that I will ever cease being affected by the tragedy that rocked our world, my mother and sister and I, on that stupid and beautiful day in that stupid and unforeseen accident...
I still feel pain that knocks my breath right out of me. That causes me to become lightheaded and I have to lie down. This makes me feel weak and underestimate the power of grief and how it can rock a person.
This also makes me long more than ever to rest in the arms of my Savior as my emotions roll over me and sobs ebb like ocean waves.
I just miss my dad. He is gone. And I long to share with him how I am growing, and how I have graduated from college, and how much I learned form my sorority, and how I went to beach project 3 times, and my trip to Australia, and how much I love my new roommate, and how much I adore my church and how they impact me daily with their unwavering community and love for me. I want to sit in his lap as the 6 year old girl that I am and hear him tell me that I can be anything that I want to be because he loves me and will always support me. For him to bring me roses to anything I participate in should I not perform to my standards (math team, always). To hear him ask me to sing again.
Should this make me angry? Disappointed? If the big picture were about me, maybe. But its not.
But I cant get past my ultimate gratefulness that the Lord gave my dad a new heart when he was alive and that He took him to heaven. I am so glad. Joyous. Our Savior had pursued him before he was born and gave him life, life abundantly in Him and I know that they are enjoying each other in Heaven now. I know dad didnt have an easy life, but he loved his life. The Holy Spirit was about him and everyone knew it. People were drawn into him, his stories, his laugh, his love. The Lord truly made him beautiful. And God gave him to me as a dad. How blessed am I!
The truth that gives me peace is that God governs the world and all that happens in it with purpose and design for the good of those who love Him.
My purpose in life is to love Jesus more. And this crappy situation has made me do that. Every time I want to feel angry, I do, but only for a short time before the Holy Spirit comforts me. I am having a hard time right now, and am uncomfortable posting these thoughts (maybe ill have the guts to leave this post up) but maybe someone can be encouraged that life is hard and we will hurt, and that that is ok. But much greater than us is a God who is unconditionally loving and who ordains all things.
Its hard to imagine how the Lord would ordain how He would have His people to suffer. What is the point of this suffering? It is all for His glory. Oh that He would be glorified all the more in our suffering.
Consider it all joy, my brethren, when you encounter various trials, knowing that the testing of your faith produces endurance. And let endurance have her perfect work, so that you may be perfect and complete, lacking in nothing. James 1:2-4
No comments:
Post a Comment